"It is just because s/he likes you."
Feb. 16th, 2012 12:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lunatronhttp://viewsfromthecouch.com/2012/02/12/you-didnt-thank-me-for-punching-you-in-the-fac/
This article contains profanity, sarcasm, and dramatic hyperbole.
The basic point of it is that when children do mean things to each other, adults often tell the children, "It is just because s/he likes you." (The article deals with boys picking on girls, but the author admits in the comments that girls do it to boys, too. Personally, girls will pick on girls, and boys will pick on boys, too.) When one stops and thinks about it, this message is incomplete. In some cases, one child is picking on the other because that child cannot properly express his or her feelings on interest in the other child. However, sometimes, one child is picking on the other because that child is having a bad day or because that child is not very good at empathy yet or any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the one child liking the other child.
(As a personal anecdote, I was bullied as a child. I was, in fact, once carried off to the playground because I couldn't walk, sent to the emergency room, had to get x-rays, and had to have months of follow-up treatment as a result. I do not recall that the boy was punished in any way. Did the boy do this to me because he liked me? He certainly did not. He did that to me because I had something that he wanted and he thought that yanking a heavy object out of someone's hands is an appropriate method of acquiring the object. In other words, he was not yet mature enough to know that stealing was wrong, and that lack of understanding was why I had to go to the hospital. Liking had nothing to do with it.)
So, teaching children that, "It is just because s/he likes you," is an incomplete message, and it fails children in some ways, because there is a valuable teachable moment to be had there. Instead, adults could say something to the effect of, "No one should ever insult you, touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, steal your possessions, or hurt you. If someone does this to you, you need to tell him or her in a loud, firm voice, 'No! Stop doing [whatever the offensive action is]. I don't like it.'" Then the adult and child can practice saying this out loud, because from personal experience, it takes some practice to become comfortable shouting in a clear and assertive manner. Then the adult can further explain, "Some adults will tell you that the other child is doing this offensive action because he or she likes you, and then that adult will laugh it off and do nothing. This reaction is not appropriate of that adult. If the action is upsetting you, then the matter is important to you, and the action needs to stop. Now, there are many reasons why another child might do this sort of thing. He or she might be having a bad day and is taking it out on other people. He or she might not have a lot of self-confidence and might feel that hurting other people makes him or her look cool. He or she might not yet understand that other people have feelings, too. Sometimes, he or she might be doing it to express an interest and is expressing that interest in the wrong way. However, whatever the reason why this child is doing the offensive behaviour, it is inappropriate, and it needs to stop. If the child is really doing this offensive behaviour to express a friendly interest, he or she is just going to scare away potential friends, because no one wants to be treated like that and that is not how anyone should treat their friends. So that other child needs to learn better ways to express his or her interest, which will be better for everyone. Never let anyone treat you improperly, whatever the reason."
Think about it for a moment. Even if a child is just acting out because he or she has a friendly interest in another child, what good does it do to let that maladaptive behaviour continue? It does not do any good at all. The sooner that child learns appropriate ways to express his or her feelings, the better.
On the other hand, if the child is acting out for some other reason, addressing the root cause of that maladaptive behaviour is still a good idea. Maybe the child does not know to properly deal with his or her anger. Maybe the child is hungry, because there is not enough food at home, and that makes the child cranky and violent at school. There could be any number of reasons.
Finally, I think it is a good message to teach children that they should not put up with annoying or worse behaviour from other children and especially they should be taught that is not how friends should treat each other.
This article contains profanity, sarcasm, and dramatic hyperbole.
The basic point of it is that when children do mean things to each other, adults often tell the children, "It is just because s/he likes you." (The article deals with boys picking on girls, but the author admits in the comments that girls do it to boys, too. Personally, girls will pick on girls, and boys will pick on boys, too.) When one stops and thinks about it, this message is incomplete. In some cases, one child is picking on the other because that child cannot properly express his or her feelings on interest in the other child. However, sometimes, one child is picking on the other because that child is having a bad day or because that child is not very good at empathy yet or any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the one child liking the other child.
(As a personal anecdote, I was bullied as a child. I was, in fact, once carried off to the playground because I couldn't walk, sent to the emergency room, had to get x-rays, and had to have months of follow-up treatment as a result. I do not recall that the boy was punished in any way. Did the boy do this to me because he liked me? He certainly did not. He did that to me because I had something that he wanted and he thought that yanking a heavy object out of someone's hands is an appropriate method of acquiring the object. In other words, he was not yet mature enough to know that stealing was wrong, and that lack of understanding was why I had to go to the hospital. Liking had nothing to do with it.)
So, teaching children that, "It is just because s/he likes you," is an incomplete message, and it fails children in some ways, because there is a valuable teachable moment to be had there. Instead, adults could say something to the effect of, "No one should ever insult you, touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, steal your possessions, or hurt you. If someone does this to you, you need to tell him or her in a loud, firm voice, 'No! Stop doing [whatever the offensive action is]. I don't like it.'" Then the adult and child can practice saying this out loud, because from personal experience, it takes some practice to become comfortable shouting in a clear and assertive manner. Then the adult can further explain, "Some adults will tell you that the other child is doing this offensive action because he or she likes you, and then that adult will laugh it off and do nothing. This reaction is not appropriate of that adult. If the action is upsetting you, then the matter is important to you, and the action needs to stop. Now, there are many reasons why another child might do this sort of thing. He or she might be having a bad day and is taking it out on other people. He or she might not have a lot of self-confidence and might feel that hurting other people makes him or her look cool. He or she might not yet understand that other people have feelings, too. Sometimes, he or she might be doing it to express an interest and is expressing that interest in the wrong way. However, whatever the reason why this child is doing the offensive behaviour, it is inappropriate, and it needs to stop. If the child is really doing this offensive behaviour to express a friendly interest, he or she is just going to scare away potential friends, because no one wants to be treated like that and that is not how anyone should treat their friends. So that other child needs to learn better ways to express his or her interest, which will be better for everyone. Never let anyone treat you improperly, whatever the reason."
Think about it for a moment. Even if a child is just acting out because he or she has a friendly interest in another child, what good does it do to let that maladaptive behaviour continue? It does not do any good at all. The sooner that child learns appropriate ways to express his or her feelings, the better.
On the other hand, if the child is acting out for some other reason, addressing the root cause of that maladaptive behaviour is still a good idea. Maybe the child does not know to properly deal with his or her anger. Maybe the child is hungry, because there is not enough food at home, and that makes the child cranky and violent at school. There could be any number of reasons.
Finally, I think it is a good message to teach children that they should not put up with annoying or worse behaviour from other children and especially they should be taught that is not how friends should treat each other.
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no subject
Date: 2012-02-17 01:30 am (UTC)I pick on people I like, not necessarily in the romantic sense. I don't know why. It's kind of fun and playful and harmless, in general. I tend to kind of test the waters and back off if it seems like they don't like it. I never really picked on you because you didn't seem to receptive to it. Then again you're a hard person for me to read. Heh! When it becomes physical, then it's definitely gone too far. Kids often don't know when to stop and take things too far. It happens. It's part of learning what these borders are. I'm still have trouble with getting too rambunctuous. :P
Dismissing people bullying you as "He just likes you!" kind of makes me angry. I don't think parents understand how harmful it is to their children when they're dismissive of their concerns. It ruins trust between them, and the kids feel like they can't rely on their parents to help them. I can't believe you had to go to the emergency room and that nothing was apparently done! That was definitely the angry kind of bullying and not the "I don't know how to express my feelings" kind. I can only imagine the long term harm this did to your psyche. Anyways, just my perspective. Hope I didn't get too personal, there!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-17 04:37 pm (UTC)There is a difference between adult teasing and the way that children tease, though. Also, adults are better at understanding jokes and sarcasm. I appreciate that you haven't really teased me, though, because to be honest, I probably wouldn't like it. (Also, I enjoy being mysterious.) Understanding boundaries like that, too, is the mark of a more adult mindset.
You're definitely right that being dismissive isn't a good way of handling children. In another example, suppose a child genuinely believes there is a monster under his or her bed. A parent might be dismissive then, or a parent might take the child by the hand and grab a flashlight and go under the bed with the child to show the child that there is nothing to fear. I definitely know what I would prefer.
The thing about that bullying incident was that it was not intentionally violent. I don't think he was angry with me. Here is the scenario: I was holding a large, heavy object. The other guy wanted that object. I think he said, "Give me that," and I said, "No." So he tried to grab it out of my hands. In the struggle, the object ended up on my foot. This popped off my toenail, matted my foot with blood to the point that getting the shoe and sock off was problematic, and broke one of the bones in my foot. I had to have it splinted, because a cast would not have worked very well, I had to have a medical fake toenail put on because my real one had popped off, I had to soak my foot in hydrogen peroxide to prevent infection, I had to have follow-up visits with a foot surgeon, and even today, that foot is a little smaller than it should be. The growth was stunted in that foot due to the impact. I am lucky, though, because my gait is normal, and I did not get any weird infections while I was healing. I think that I am pretty much okay about the incident, to be honest, but that does not make it okay that it happened.
Basically, the first problem was that either he did not understand that taking other people's things is wrong or he did not care. The second problem is that he did not understand that, "No," means "No." or he did not care. The third problem is that he did not understand that if you fight over a heavy object, someone can get seriously hurt or he did not care.
So his thought process was probably not, "I want to hurt this person." It was probably, "I want what she has." I am not saying this is a good thing, because it is not. I just wanted to clarify the nature of the situation.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-18 01:22 am (UTC)I wish I had more to say to continue this interesting discussion, but I can't think of anything!
no subject
Date: 2012-06-08 06:43 pm (UTC)